Beyond the Pain: A Compassionate Guide to Navigating Grief

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life." — Akshay Dubey

What is Grief?

Grief is the emotional response to a significant loss, often involving complex feelings of sadness, pain, confusion, and longing. It is most associated with the death of a loved one, but grief can also occur after the loss of a job, a relationship, a home, or even a sense of identity or purpose. Grief is not just a singular emotion but a multifaceted process involving emotional, physical, cognitive, and social reactions.

The experience of grief varies significantly from person to person, and there is no "right" way to grieve.

As we know, grief is unsettling, gut-wrenching and inescapable. We can never overcome it, but we must learn to live with it, knowing that loss is part of life. As they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved. I can personally attest to this, knowing that the love we seek begins with oneself.

So, do yourself a favor by giving yourself the time and space to heal, for which we know is a process.

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The Purpose of Grief

While painful, grief is a natural and necessary process that helps us adjust to life after a loss. Through grieving, we gradually come to terms with our emotions, remembering what was meaningful while keeping the memory of what was lost.

I experienced significant loss early in life. I was separated from my mother and two brothers, to live with my father and stepmother at 3 years old. My mother, who battled schizophrenia and remained institutionalized for the rest of her life, told me she didn't want me to visit because she didn't want anyone to know she had a daughter.

She passed away from lung cancer while I was working in Iraq, leaving me with unanswered questions and the pain of not knowing who she was.

I thought burying my grief would protect me, but it only created more pain. I compartmentalized everything, believing I had locked it away for good. But grief doesn't stay hidden—it shows up in ways we don't expect.

For me, it surfaced through toxic patterns in my relationships, reflecting the dysfunction I had grown up with.

When I finally faced my grief, I realized that healing doesn't happen by ignoring the pain—it happens when we confront it. In time, grief allows healing to take place, but it is not about "getting over" the loss. Instead, it is about learning to live alongside it, creating space for growth and resilience.

Take the first step toward healing today by reaching out, reflecting, and embracing your journey. You are stronger than you think. 🌱

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Five Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief, also known as the Kübler-Ross model, describe the emotional responses people experience after a significant loss or major life event. The stages do not always follow a linear progression, and not everyone experiences all of them, but they provide a helpful framework for understanding grief.

Understanding the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—can help us navigate the emotional waves and begin healing.

1. Denial: The Protective Shield

• What It Feels Like: "This can't be happening."

Denial is the mind's way of protecting you from the initial shock of loss. It's a temporary defense mechanism that helps buffer the intensity of grief.

Our first impulse is to deny the event occurred, which happens when our body seeks to protect us from the initial shock of an incident.

After receiving the "resignation" email, I was in total shock. "I said there's no way this is happening. No way, this must be a mistake. Things like this don't happen in the federal government; we have guidelines and procedures!

• How to Overcome It:

Allow yourself time to process. Journaling or talking to a trusted friend or counselor can help you begin acknowledging the reality of the loss at your own pace.

2. Anger: The Emotional Release

• What It Feels Like: "Why did this happen to me?"

Anger often arises when the pain becomes more real. It can be directed at yourself, others, or the situation. It's a normal part of grieving.

That "resignation" email sent me into a tailspin. "There's no way in hell this is happening to me after all these years. Who in the hell do they think they are?" Feeling as though a bomb just exploded, sent me into a downward spiral, a state of panic and utter confusion, leaving me totally unhinged.

• How to Overcome It:

Channel your anger into healthy outlets, such as exercise, creative expression, or writing letters to release emotions. Recognize that anger is a sign of healing, not a step backward.

3. Bargaining: The What-If Stage

• What It Feels Like: "If only I had done something differently."

Bargaining reflects the natural desire to regain control. It often involves reflecting on "what could have been" to avoid the pain of acceptance.

Once the anger dissipated and I set my principles aside, I revisited that "resignation" email and in the subject line included "Fork in the Road." This is exactly where I have been for quite a while now and burning the candle at both ends is unsustainable. Although I don't agree with how things were handled, I agree that the government needed reorganization.

• How to Overcome It:

Remember that no amount of bargaining can change the past, but you can control how you move forward. Practice self-compassion and forgiveness.

4. Depression: The Weight of Loss

• What It Feels Like: "I don't know how to go on."

Sadness, isolation, and fatigue are common in this stage. It's when the reality of the loss fully settles in, and emotions may feel overwhelming.

To have what we truly desire means giving up something that is no longer serving us. That email signals end of my career and the start of a new chapter of life. I get comfort in knowing that retirement is the best option at this point in my life. Because coaching and writing are where my heart is and what I am supposed to do at this time of my life. I have prepared for since 2015, and I can be proud of my 38+ years with the Army, and that is something that no one can take away!

• How to Overcome It:

Lean on support systems like friends, family, or professional counselors. Break tasks into small, manageable steps, and focus on moments of self-care.

5. Acceptance: Embracing the New Normal

• What It Feels Like: "I can live with this."

Acceptance doesn't mean you're "over" the loss—it means you've made peace with it. You understand that life can go on, even as you carry the memory of what you lost.

I am excited about the future and can't wait to see where life takes me on this journey. I did not get here by chance. I have been preparing for these roles my entire life, know that the best is yet to come!

• How to Overcome It:

Celebrate progress, no matter how small. Reconnect with your passions, create new routines, and seek meaning in your journey through grief.

Finding Healing Beyond the Stages

Grief isn't linear, and you may revisit stages multiple times. The key is to be patient with yourself, seek support when needed, and allow time to heal. Remember, it's not about forgetting the loss—it's about rising above the pain and finding purpose beyond it.

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How to Recognize When Grief May Need Extra Support

• Persistent Grief: When symptoms don't ease over time and interfere with daily life (this may indicate complicated or prolonged grief).

• Intense Guilt or Hopelessness: A sense of worthlessness or persistent guilt can indicate the need for professional intervention.

• Thoughts of Self-Harm: If an individual is experiencing thoughts of harming themselves, immediate help from a crisis line or mental health professional is essential.

Grief is a normal and necessary part of healing but understanding how it manifests can help individuals process their emotions more effectively and seek support when needed. 🌱

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Key Statistics on Grief and Its Impacts

Grief affects millions of individuals annually, with profound emotional, physical, and societal effects.

1. Prevalence of Grief in the U.S.

Approximately 2.5 million people die each year in the U.S., with an average of five grieving individuals per death. This results in about 12.5 million Americans experiencing grief annually (The Recovery Village, n.d.).

2. Childhood Bereavement

An estimated 1.5 million children in the U.S. (about 5% of the child population) have lost one or both parents by the age of 15 (The Recovery Village, n.d.).

3. Complicated Grief in Older Adults

A study focusing on older adults found that 25.4% of participants experiencing grief were diagnosed with complicated grief, and its overall prevalence in the general older adult population was 4.8% (Newson et al., 2011).

4. Prolonged Grief Disorder

A meta-analysis revealed a 9.8% prevalence rate of prolonged grief disorder among bereaved adults (Lundorff et al., 2017, as cited in Rosner et al., 2021).

5. Impact of Bereavement on Biological Aging

Research shows that grief can accelerate biological aging. Individuals who experienced one loss showed a biological age of 9-10 months older, while those with two or more losses aged over 13 months more, as measured by epigenetic markers (The Times, 2023).

6. Grief in the Workplace

Grief significantly affects employee well-being and productivity. According to recent studies, companies that implement supportive measures create more loyal employees and compassionate work environments (Reuters, 2024).

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Call to Action: Embracing Healing and Support

Grief is a journey that no one should face alone. Whether you're experiencing loss or supporting someone who is, remember that healing takes time, and reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Here's how you can take the next step toward healing:

• Seek Support: Connect with trusted friends, family members, or grief support groups.

• Embrace Self-Compassion: Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions without judgment.

• Consider Professional Help: Grief counselors or therapists can offer guidance and coping techniques.

If you or someone you know is navigating grief, don't hesitate to access available resources. Healing begins when you take that first step. You are not alone. 🌱