“Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage: Reclaiming Your Power and Worth”

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

“The surest way to lose your self-worth is by trying to find it through the eyes of others.” — Becca Lee

A Personal Journey with Self-Sabotage

This powerful truth extends beyond love to every aspect of our lives where we hold ourselves back. When we engage in self-sabotage, we're not just hindering our success—we're diminishing our capacity to fully engage with life, relationships, and opportunities for growth. Letting go allows us to embrace change to become the person we aspire to be.

As a coach, I've witnessed the paralyzing effects of self-sabotage firsthand—not just in my clients but in my own journey.

Despite years of expertise and knowledge, I consistently procrastinated on launching my coaching practice. Deep-seated issues around money, stemming from my strict religious background, combined with persistent feelings of inadequacy, created a perfect storm of self-sabotage. This experience wasn't just crippling; it was devastating.

Yet, it taught me valuable lessons about recognizing and overcoming these patterns.

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Common Forms of Self-Sabotage

1. Procrastination

Procrastination manifests as more than just putting things off—it's a complex avoidance strategy that can severely impact personal and professional life. It's where we delay important tasks despite knowing the consequences. We often prioritize unimportant activities to avoid critical work. Resulting in feeling overwhelmed and postponing until it's too late.

I procrastinate when considering stepping outside of my comfort zone. I purposely start nonessential tasks to avoid being uncomfortable, and those insecurities hinder progress and success, which is why I've avoided retirement.

2. Perfectionism

Pursuing perfection often becomes a paralyzing force that prevents progress and completion. Additionally, they set unrealistic, unattainable expectations, with fear of making mistakes, leading to inaction or constant revision. Additionally, avoid starting projects because they "won't be perfect."

The reality is, there’s no such thing is perfection; making it impossible to attain. Perfection pulls us down like quicksand, swallowing us alive. Instead, we gain additional knowledge and experience by making subtle changes over time, boosting our self-confidence.

3. Negative Self-Talk and Imposter Syndrome

The internal dialogue that undermines confidence and creates self-doubt can be particularly deceptive. There's constant self-criticism, doubting one's abilities and believing that success is due to luck rather than skill. Also, there is a fear of being "exposed" as a fraud, even with proven competence.

Although I have a master's degree in I/O psychology, a bachelor's degree in Technical Management, and a certified coach and mentor with 38+ years of civil service experience, I still doubt my ability to have a thriving coaching practice, so I remain in an unfulfilling, dead-end job.

4. Self-Destructive Habits

These behaviors often serve as short-term coping mechanisms but create long-term damage. Overeating, excessive drinking, or substance abuse to cope with stress. Engaging in reckless spending or unhealthy lifestyle choices. Deliberate actions that harm personal or professional progress.

To protect my well-being, I have cut off friends and family who partake in unhealthy lifestyle choices or reckless behavior. Additionally, online shopping and comfort food were coping mechanisms that created problems. Noting these patterns and their occurrences is critical for breaking the cycle. Consider adopting healthy coping mechanisms such as physical fitness, walking, meditation, breathing exercises instead, etc.

5. Conflict Avoidance or Difficult Conversations

Dodging necessary confrontations often leads to more significant problems down the line. Suppressing emotions instead of addressing concerns. Letting resentment build, leading to more critical issues.

For most of my life, I have been a proponent of conflict avoidance to my detriment, causing anxiety, stress, and depression. Becoming a pressure cooker, ready to explode at any given time, is unsuitable for anyone. Do yourself a favor and nip the conflict in the bud when it first raises its head.

6. Fear of Success or Failure

These twin fears can paralyze action and prevent growth. Subconsciously sabotaging opportunities due to fear of increased responsibility, avoiding challenges that could lead to growth, and engaging in behaviors that ensure failure rather than risking success.

I choose to play it safe by hiding behind my successful Army civilian career rather than risk going out on my own and failing miserably. What if I cannot make a living as a coach? This was a risky venture at best and not worth taking a chance on.

7. People-Pleasing

The constant need to satisfy others often comes at the expense of personal well-being. Struggling to say no leads to burnout and guilt for setting boundaries.

Growing up in an abusive household, I learned to please others to avoid punishment and seek acceptance. Over time, this habit of over-accommodating led to people taking advantage of my kindness. When this happened, I blamed myself for setting unrealistic expectations of others, creating a cycle of frustration and self-criticism.

However, I've realized a fundamental truth: we cannot make people want or love us—they either do or don't. Recognizing this has been freeing, allowing me to shift my focus from seeking external validation to cultivating self-worth and establishing healthier boundaries.

8. Overcommitting and Lack of Boundaries

Taking on too many responsibilities to prove worth. Struggling to delegate tasks. Feeling overwhelmed and unable to focus effectively. Taking on too much can lead to burnout and decreased effectiveness in all areas.

Having been told I would never be successful, I have strived to be the best at everything, setting the bar too high. Not only was this unrealistic, but it was also unsustainable. Moreover, I am running a marathon, not a race, which is indicative of long-term endurance, perseverance, and steady progress.

9. Self-Isolation and Avoiding Help

Withdrawing from support systems can compound challenges and limit growth opportunities. Rejecting support or mentorship due to pride or fear of appearing weak. Withdrawing from social or professional networks. Struggling alone instead of seeking assistance.

Due to trust issues I avoid asking for help to prevent disappointment, appearing incompetent, and avoid having to be indebted to anyone.

10. Making Excuses or Blaming External Factors

Attributing challenges to outside factors prevents personal growth and learning. Believing success is out of one's control and avoiding responsibility for one's actions.

Indicating unfair hiring practices prevents career progression when, in fact, the failure to manage one's career is the actual culprit. Avoiding responsibility doesn't absolve us from wrongdoing, making matters worse.

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Relevant statistics reveal the widespread nature of this phenomenon:

- A comprehensive study found that approximately 75% of college students procrastinate, with 50% doing so chronically and problematically (Steel & Klingsieck, 2016).

- In workplace settings, 40% of adults report experiencing imposter syndrome at some point in their careers (Bravata et al., 2020).

- Research examining psychiatric inpatients found that 63.3% reported engaging in at least one medically self-sabotaging behavior (Sansone & Sansone, 2009).

- A study of work-related perfectionism found that 29.5% of professionals exhibit maladaptive perfectionist tendencies associated with decreased job performance and increased burnout (Harari et al., 2018).

- Analysis of self-defeating behaviors shows that approximately 85% of people struggle with low self-esteem, which often manifests as self-sabotaging behavior patterns (Branden, 2021).

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How to Overcome Self-Sabotage:

1. Develop Self-Awareness

- Keep a daily journal to track self-sabotaging behaviors and their triggers

- Practice mindfulness to catch negative thoughts in the moment

- Request feedback from trusted friends, colleagues, or mentors

2. Understand Root Causes

- Explore childhood experiences and family patterns

- Identify recurring fears and limiting beliefs

- Consider working with a therapist or coach to uncover deeper patterns

3. Implement Strategic Changes

- Break significant goals into smaller, manageable steps

- Create accountability systems with specific checkpoints

- Develop contingency plans for common triggers

4. Build Supportive Habits

- Establish morning and evening routines that reinforce positive behavior

- Create environmental changes that support your goals

- Develop healthy coping mechanisms for stress and challenges

5. Practice Self-Compassion

- Replace harsh self-criticism with understanding and encouragement

- Celebrate small wins and progress

- View setbacks as learning opportunities rather than failures

6. Strengthen Support Systems

- Build a network of mentors, friends, and professionals

- Join communities of like-minded individuals

- Share your journey with others who can offer support and accountability

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Taking Action

Start your journey to overcome self-sabotage today:

1. Identify one form of self-sabotage that most impacts your life

2. Choose three strategies from this guide to implement this week

3. Set up a support system for accountability

4. Schedule regular check-ins to assess progress and adjust strategies

💡 Ready to stop holding yourself back? Start today! Say “no” where it matters, embrace your worth, and step boldly into your power. Your breakthrough is waiting—will you claim it? 🚀