How I am Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage
Why it Matters
“Sometimes you have to get out of your own way to let things happen.” — Amy Poehler
A Personal Journey with Self-Sabotage
This powerful truth extends beyond love to every aspect of our lives where we hold ourselves back. When we engage in self-sabotage, we're not just hindering our success—we're diminishing our capacity to fully engage with life, relationships, and opportunities for growth. Letting go allows us to embrace change to become the person we aspire to be.
As a coach, I've witnessed the paralyzing effects of self-sabotage firsthand—not just in my clients but in my own journey.
Despite years of expertise and knowledge, I consistently procrastinated on launching my coaching practice. Deep-seated issues around money, stemming from my strict religious background, combined with persistent feelings of inadequacy, created a perfect storm of self-sabotage. This experience wasn't just crippling; it was devastating.
Yet, it taught me invaluable lessons about recognizing and overcoming these patterns.
Common Forms of Self-Sabotage
1. Procrastination
Procrastination manifests as more than just putting things off—it's a complex avoidance strategy that can severely impact personal and professional life. It's when we delay important tasks despite knowing the consequences. We often prioritize unimportant activities to avoid critical work, resulting in feeling overwhelmed and postponing until it's too late.
I failed to complete two courses I spent time and money on because of my fear of being on camera, although I know these courses will help others excel. I commit to completing 1 video a week until the courses are done.
I failed to complete a VSL (Video Sales Letter) requested by the strategist I hired to complete rebranding because of my disdain for money, which is deep-rooted. People keep telling me to think about the value that I bring instead. I commit to completing the PowerPoint presentation, making it easier to do the video.
2. Perfectionism
Pursuing perfection often becomes a paralyzing force that prevents progress and completion. Additionally, they set unrealistic, unattainable expectations, with fear of making mistakes, leading to inaction or constant revision. Additionally, avoid starting projects because they "won't be perfect."
Perfection pulls us down like quicksand, swallowing us alive. Instead, we gain additional knowledge and experience by making subtle changes over time, boosting our self-confidence. As with anything, improvement happens over time, requiring patience and consistency, whether it's courses, business ventures, writing, or other pursuits.
3. Negative Self-Talk and Imposter Syndrome
The internal dialogue that undermines confidence and creates self-doubt can be particularly deceptive. There's constant self-criticism, doubting one's abilities and believing that success is due to luck rather than skill. Also, there is a fear of being "exposed" as a fraud, even with proven competence.
I avoided Substack for fear my writing wasn't good enough to have a successful publication, much less a loyal following. Nevertheless, I wanted to prove that I am a good writer, a good coach, and a mentor, and I have what it takes to succeed, even now. With each step I take, I can show the world what I offer, knowing there's no such thing as perfection.
Also, as our skills and knowledge grow, we perfect our craft, and with each step, confidence grows.
4. Self-Destructive Habits
These behaviors often serve as short-term coping mechanisms but create long-term damage. Overeating, excessive drinking, or substance abuse to cope with stress. Engaging in reckless spending or unhealthy lifestyle choices. Deliberate actions that harm personal or professional progress.
Failing to complete rebranding and course creation sabotages my success as a coach. It limits my opportunities to increase my impact and reach, which contradicts my personal and professional aspirations.
5. Conflict Avoidance or Difficult Conversations
Dodging necessary confrontations often leads to more significant problems down the line. Suppressing emotions instead of addressing concerns. Letting resentment build, leading to more critical issues.
For most of my life, I have been a proponent of conflict avoidance to my detriment, causing anxiety, stress, and depression. Becoming a pressure cooker, ready to explode at any given time, is unsuitable for anyone. Yet, the key to growth is confronting conflict and stereotypes and having difficult conversations, exponentially elevating our authority, influence, and presence.
Do yourself a favor and nip the conflict in the bud when it first raises its head.
6. Fear of Success or Failure
These twin fears can paralyze action and prevent growth. People subconsciously sabotage opportunities due to fear of increased responsibility, avoid challenges that could lead to growth, and engage in behaviors that ensure failure rather than risk success.
I chose to play it safe by hiding behind my Army civilian career rather than risk going out on my own and failing miserably. When coming to the "Fork in the Road," the best alternative is to take a chance. The worst thing that can happen is that I will succeed because I have been preparing for this moment.
I made every conceivable mistake and learned invaluable lessons from them. So, what could go wrong at this stage?
7. People-Pleasing
The constant need to satisfy others often comes at the expense of personal well-being. Struggling to say no leads to burnout and guilt for setting boundaries.
Growing up in an abusive household, I learned to please others to avoid punishment while seeking acceptance. Over time, this habit of over-accommodating led to people taking advantage of my kindness. When this happened, I blamed myself for setting unrealistic expectations, creating a cycle of frustration and self-criticism.
However, I've realized a fundamental truth: we cannot make people want or love us—they either do or don't.
Recognizing this has been freeing. It has allowed me to shift my focus from seeking external validation to cultivating self-worth and establishing healthier boundaries.
8. Overcommitting and Lack of Boundaries
Taking on too many responsibilities to prove worth, struggling to delegate tasks, feeling overwhelmed, and unable to focus effectively—taking on too much can lead to burnout and decreased effectiveness in all areas.
Having been told I would never be successful, I have strived to be the best at everything, setting the bar too high. Not only was this unrealistic, but it was also unsustainable. We are running a marathon, not a race, which indicates long-term endurance, perseverance, and steady progress.
9. Self-Isolation and Avoiding help
Withdrawing from support systems can compound challenges and limit growth opportunities. Examples include rejecting support or mentorship due to pride or fear of appearing weak, withdrawing from social or professional networks, and struggling alone instead of seeking assistance.
Due to abandonment, I have trust issues. So, I avoid asking for help to prevent disappointment, appear incompetent, and avoid being indebted to anyone. Nevertheless, I can attest that asking for help (vulnerability) is a sign of strength. It shows that you are willing to learn and collaborate with others, potentially avoiding burnout and minimizing stress.
10. Making Excuses or Blaming External Factors
Attributing challenges to outside factors prevents personal growth and learning. Believing success is out of one's control. Avoiding responsibility for one's actions.
When problems happen, I first look in the mirror, knowing that the only person limiting me is the one staring back. Never pursue something unless you plan to stick with it, regardless of the ups and downs, because the magic always seems to happen when you are about to give up. How sweet is "victory" when we make it to the finish line?
Relevant statistics reveal the widespread nature of this phenomenon:
- A comprehensive study found that approximately 75% of college students procrastinate, with 50% doing so chronically and problematically (Steel & Klingsieck, 2016).
- In workplace settings, 40% of adults report experiencing imposter syndrome at some point in their careers (Bravata et al., 2020).
- Research examining psychiatric inpatients found that 63.3% reported engaging in at least one medically self-sabotaging behavior (Sansone & Sansone, 2009).
- A study of work-related perfectionism found that 29.5% of professionals exhibit maladaptive perfectionist tendencies associated with decreased job performance and increased burnout (Harari et al., 2018).
- Analysis of self-defeating behaviors shows that approximately 85% of people struggle with low self-esteem, which often manifests as self-sabotaging behavior patterns (Branden, 2021).
How to Overcome Self-Sabotage:
1. Develop Self-Awareness
- Keep a daily journal to track self-sabotaging behaviors and their triggers
- Practice mindfulness to catch negative thoughts in the moment
- Request feedback from trusted friends, colleagues, or mentors
Self-awareness enables us to use our five senses, aligning with our values and aiding decision-making.
2. Understand Root Causes
- Explore childhood experiences and family patterns
- Identify recurring fears and limiting beliefs
- Consider working with a therapist or coach to uncover deeper patterns
By understanding our childhood and limiting beliefs, we can understand why we hinder ourselves from growing and becoming the individuals we dreamed we could be.
3. Implement Strategic Changes
- Break significant goals into smaller, manageable steps
- Create accountability systems with specific checkpoints
- Develop contingency plans for common triggers
As we learn better, we can implement gradual change over time, which increases progress, confidence, and mastery
4. Build Supportive Habits
- Establish morning and evening routines that reinforce positive behavior
- Create environmental changes that support your goals
- Develop healthy coping mechanisms for stress and challenges
Having supportive habits through intentional daily practice reinforces positive behavior and desired outcomes.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
- Replace harsh self-criticism with understanding and encouragement
- Celebrate small wins and progress
- View setbacks as learning opportunities rather than failures
The practice of self-compassion builds emotional resilience, improving motivation and relationships.
6. Strengthen Support Systems
- Build a network of mentors, friends, and professionals
- Join communities of like-minded individuals
- Share your journey with others who can offer support and accountability
Supports the individual, team, and organization, exponentially increasing impact and reach.
Taking Action
Start your journey to overcome self-sabotage today:
1. Identify one form of self-sabotage that most impacts your life
2. Choose three strategies from this guide to implement this week
3. Set up a support system for accountability
4. Schedule regular check-ins to assess progress and adjust strategies
Remember, overcoming self-sabotage is a journey, not a destination. Each step forward, no matter how small, is progress toward your goals and fuller potential.
A great and useful post Margaret. I have suffered all of these a points in my life. Mostly due to low self-esteem as you point out. Self-awareness through self-reflection is key to noticing where these patterns show up in your life. 💕